The “Idol” Effect

The Bible clearly warns us about having idols.

☆Isaiah 44:9– All who make idols are nothing, and the things they treasure are worthless. Those who would speak up for them are blind; they are ignorant, to their own shame.

This recent news that has come out in S. Korea is not really news to the natives living there. 2 of the nation’s beloved idols have been confirmed to be involved in illegal drug distribution, human trafficking, drugging their victims, recording the girls getting raped and sharing it among their friends- all while laughing about it.

So because, these 2 guys are Idols, (international) fans are willing to turn a blind eye to their crimes. They care more about their Idols well-being than the girls who were assaulted. This is dangerous, disturbing and disgusting.

It’s a virus here in the States as well. People turn a blind eye to sexual predators all because they’re their favorite singers, writers, dancers, producers, teachers, etc. The truth doesn’t lie.

“The less time you spend with Truth, the easier it is to believe in Lies.”

As a human being, as a past victim of sexual assault, I REFUSE to support anyone (male or female) who is involved in such a selfish, dehumanizing act.

☆James 1:14- Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.

Instead of focusing all of your attention and support on these Idols, direct that to the Victims. This is how evil stays thriving. No one cares about the victims, which aids these predators to keep on attacking.

And the sad thing about it is the truth has been staring us in the face the entire time, but again, people choose to be blind. As if that will get your precious idols to actually recognize you out of the millions of fans they have.

Comments like, “.. I’ve known so-and-so for 10 years. I just can’t believe he would do something like this.” Or “He’s innocent until proven guilty,” make me sick.

Correction: You don’t actually KNOW these Idols PERSONALLY. You only know what they ALLOW you to see from a tv screen or your phone, because you’re nothing more than a fan. People are good at hiding their true selves.

And even when these Idols ADMIT to being guilty, people STILL turn a blind eye and make excuses. “He made a mistake.”

Please stop saying they made a MISTAKE like that will justify their actions. A “mistake” is what happens ONCE. This happened over a 3 YEAR PERIOD, a 10 YEAR PERIOD, a 20 YEAR PERIOD (whatever the case may be)!!! Meaning, it’s no longer a mistake. It was done on purpose!

This is what’s wrong with having IDOLS. They are regular people who are not above the law. You need to direct your prayers, support and energy to THE VICTIMS!!

You need to stop putting your world, trust and hope into flawed people thinking they’re perfect and they’re your saviors. Open your eyes, and face reality for what it is.

And, I know how you feel… I’ve been there, worshipping a human, until God took the blinders off.

To free yourself from the Idol effect, you will need to renounce, denounce and cut that soul tie to them.

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Incubus & Succubus

Transparency is my strength so, I’m going to get real transparent with you.

Have you ever or do you even still experience sexual dreams? Whether you’re being sexually abused or consenting to sex in your dream, this is a demonic attack. The incubus demon attacks women, and the succubus attacks men. Trust me, those wet dreams aren’t a blessing.

Sex demons/spirit beings don’t seek your consent to be their spouse and they force themselves on you (when your defenses are weak and you are fast asleep)!

You have attracted what is called an Incubus – an entity not seen by the Unclad eyes, a male spirit or demon that comes to women to have sex with them either for pleasure or for the purpose of having spirit children through such women.

The Incubus or spirit husband is usually very jealous and will not tolerate sharing his human ‘wife’ or victim with anyone else.

I had a dream 2 weeks ago where I had sex with an incubus and it impregnated me. When I awoke, I felt every emotion of the dream full force. My vagina was throbbing, and I was super horny. There was also heartbreak in the dream therefore, I woke up on the verge of tears.

These dreams have occurred plenty of times throughout my life, and I just assumed that they were simply dreams and nothing else. Oh, my ignorance kept me bound to demonic attacks.

Hosea 4:6 states that we perish from a lack of knowledge so, I did a study on it.

I’ve been harassed, raped and impregnated by an incubus in the astral and dream realm. For years, I’ve been violated by this demon. It came in through an unbroken generational curse, and it was awakened when I was molested. It has wrecked havoc ever since, but it stops today! It ends right now!

Sex demons can only enter through an open door. If you’re sexually active now, that’s a doorway. If you’ve been sexually active but you’re now celibate… have you renounced, denounced and cut those soul ties to those you’ve been intimate with? Demons will enter in that way, and even if you don’t struggle with lust, those demons may be dormant within you.

They enter through the doorways of fornication, masturbation, pornography, unforgiveness, bitterness, fear, doubt, witchcraft, moleatation, abuse, emotional wounds, soul ties, spiritual warefare, and carnality = (Spending too much time doing non-spiritual activities – even if those activities are not sinful. Any activity that does not purposefully and deliberately build and edify your spirit in the things of God is carnal activity.)

They can be transferred from one person to another. That’s why its so important to test people’s spirits and to have on the armor of Christ. Anyone can put on a façade, but the condition of a person’s heart can only be hid for so long before it starts to reveal itself in tangible ways.

You can be married and have a sexual dream about someone else, while your spouse is sleeping right next you.

There’s also astral projection. You may not be having sex, but those who are lusting after you can project their desires onto you causing you to think about them or dream of making love to them.
Some people don’t realize that they’re astral projecting, and others do it for fun. Words are powerful. What you speak into the atmosphere or think about long enough (conjuring up) will manifest.

These spirits want to control you, subdue and make you feel worthless. Although they are skilled at causing extreme sexual pleasure, they make you feel miserable in every other way.

You have to be willing to really examine your heart and your lifestyle in the light of God’s truth, and find that open door.  Then slam that door shut for good and be free indeed, in the freedom of Christ Yeshua (Jesus)!!!!

A lot of people will ask for scripture confirmation on these sexual demons, and it’s there in the Bible (Genesis 6:1-4). You guys realize that God still talks to people, right? It’s called “revelation.” God will reveal things to you in DEPTH, that isn’t detailed in scriptures. Ask God for wisdom, knowledge and understanding on these things and He will give it to you.

 
We need to destroy the altars these witches have set up against us.

With the fire of God, you can bind the strongman administering the evil altar. With the fire of God, you can command heaven to open and rain fire on the altar of your enemies. With the fire of God in you, satanic altars cannot have access to penetrate into your life. When you have the strong fire of God, everything will work in place for you
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There’s power in the name of Jesus! This prayer works for me. I would also do a study on demonic altars and how to destroy them for yourself.“I know what you are and what you are here for and I renounce you in Jesus name! My body does not belong to you. It is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I command you to leave me right now in Jesus Name! I do not receive your seed into me and will not give birth to your offspring of evil

I send fire down from Heaven and destroy the altar of the incubus/spiritual husband in the name of Jesus. I renounce and denounce all soul ties to this demon, in Jesus’ name, and I cut all vows made with the incubus through word or action with the sword of the Spirit, in the name of Jesus. I render the witch demon behind this attack null, void and powerless, never to return unto me again, in the name of Jesus.

I declare a breakthrough for that stubborn problem. Supernatural closure to old cycles! God is faithful!”
__________________
I hope this helps. God is not limited to words on a page. He still speaks to people today like He did in days of old.

Get into Alignment

I was recently watching a YouTube video on the channel ‘SoulPancake’ called “Tell My Story.”

To recap the show, it’s like a blind date, and the 2 individuals have pre-asked questions and they have to guess what the correct answer is about the other person. In the end, they tell each other if they would date the other person.

In this particular episode, the (white) man was a devout Christian and believed that his God-sent wife was a black woman. The (black) woman went first and guessed his religious views. She was partially correct, as she claimed to believe in God too.

Now here’s where it gets interesting… the guy tells her that his relationship with God is super important. The question was brought up about what they thought happens after you die. The woman said that she believes that when you die you just die. She reiterated a couple of times that she didn’t believe in an afterlife after death.

If you’re a Christian (and not just by name), then you know in your soul that Heaven and Hell are very real. If you’ve accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior and follow His commands, then you know you’re going to Heaven.

Once he told her that he believed that when you die you’re either going to Heaven or Hell, she switched up real quick. Now, her answer matched his somewhat, but she claimed that she meant she didn’t believe in reincarnation. Of course he called her out on it (in a nice way), but it just became cringey to watch afterwards.

In the end, she chose the option of wanting to date him. He, on the other hand, chose the option of not dating her. “When I first saw you, I would not date you, but after talking to you…. I still wouldn’t date you.”

Right off the bat, my discernment was going off about her. She radiated desperation, which caused her to switch up her answers to match his. Listen, this is why I say that our gifts of discernment MUST be updated daily. Counterfeits look like real thing, but once you test them by fire, their hearts will be revealed.

I have no doubt in my mind, that this man knew right off the bat that she wasn’t the one. Even I could tell that she was nowhere on his level spiritually.

Christians can still be unequally yoked to another Christian. You can have 2 good Christian people, but if God didn’t ordain for them to be together, the relationship will be bad. It’s like trying to fit a circle into a square. This man tested her faith, and she fizzled.

What had me a bit upset was the comments. Most people were praising the woman, but bashing the man because he said he could see them being friends.

Hear me when I say that he wasn’t full of himself. He’s committed to his faith, and she isn’t. I respect him for disappointing her with the truth now instead of leading her on with a lie that would have broken her heart down the road.

Some people were saying that he wasn’t true to himself, but he tested her by fire and she was left in a pile of ashes. If it’s meant to be, you won’t have to try and force it. If you use manipulation to get them, you’ll have to continue to use manipulation to keep them.

He was honest the entire way through, but people still attacked his character. I told you that story to encourage those of you who are waiting on your God-sent. STAY TRUE TO YOUR FAITH.

I’ve turned down countless of guys in my DM’s wanting to marry me. Some claiming God told them I was their wife (apparently that was a one-sided conversation, because I didn’t get the memo). Others claiming that my relationship with God drew them to me (like a moth to a flame- they didn’t stand a chance against the light of God’s word).

I wholeheartedly believe that when we meet our soulmates (because a soulmate is someone who cares for your soul), that we will recognize them. And no, I’m not talking about love at first sight. I mean, love at soul sight.

Love at first sight claims you fall in love with a person instantly, but love at soul sight is much more powerful. The soul is a powerful being, and when you’re in tune with God, your soul will recognize their home in the soul of the one you’re meant to be with. And it always comes with God’s confirmation.

Love at soul sight is a divine connection. It’s not instantaneous (however, some cases are different). You may have already met your soulmate or know them as a friend, colleague, associate etc, but it may not be time for God to reveal you to each other. He has you hidden so, you can heal, mature or do that assignment He told you to do years, months or days ago.
I’m telling you, when God sets up the great reveal, you will know that no one but God could do it.
Don’t try to force a relationship. Love at soul sight is so natural. You won’t have to lie, cheat, manipulate or steal to get it. Trust God, and trust His process. Always remain true to who you are, because the counterfeits will test you.
WARNING:
 
And if you don’t know who you are or what your purpose is, then you don’t need to be in a relationship at all. If you just got out of a relationship, HEAL. Stop dating while you’re broken; you’re only going to hurt the next person you get into a relationship with. If you’re out there having sex, STOP compromising your body, REPENT and CUT those soul ties. If you’ve got addictions, or generational curses, BREAK them. GET DELIVERED and stay delivered (self-control)!!
If you think your soulmate will cure your insecurities, think again. They won’t fill that void in your heart or magically cure your addictions and bad habits with their love. If you think this way, your relationship will fail. Don’t try to put your soulmate in the place of God.
What you don’t overcome in your singleness, will be tested in your dating season and magnified in your marriage (if you make it that far).
The longer you’re in disobedience, the more you delay recognizing your soulmate. Just think, your soulmate is probably waiting on YOU to get in order.
Take heed. I’m trying to help yall out. Take it as an encouragement and a warning also. You could be so much further if you stop fighting the process so much. Throw out all unrealistic expectations of your soulmate being perfect while you come to them having put in no effort to better yourself.
That “take me as I am” motto won’t work on the real one. Growth on both parts is needed and encouraged in order for the relationship to thrive. Don’t expect them to bring 100%, while you’re just pulling in the bare minimum. That’s not fair to them, and that mindset is immature and selfish.
Learn to love all of yourself before you expect someone else to.

Pulling from the Root

Listen y’all, I’m 27 years old, and I’m still healing from the trauma of my past. The process hurts a lot, but God doesn’t do “surface maintenance.”

I ran from the truth, and as a result my spirit started to decay first. The more I buried the issue the more it poisoned me.
When you allow God to have full control He will deliver you from the root of the trauma. Now, I don’t know much about gardening, but I know when you want to get rid of those weeds growing around your flowers you pull them up from the root.

When you don’t clean a wound it becomes infected. Slapping a band aid on a bullet wound won’t heal you, especially not when the bullet is still lodged in your body.

One day I was watching a K-Drama when one of the characters said, “If I don’t take out the thorn, the scar would be infected again.”

Wow! That was a powerful truth. Since I’ve given full access to my heart to Christ, I’m realizing that I’m in such an uncomfortable place. A quote from a movie or words from a song will bring me back to a past trauma that I’ve left unconfronted. It still amazes me every time another trauma unearths itself. Instead of fighting them like I’ve done so many times in the past, I’ve embraced the process completely.

Fighting the healing process will cause you more pain and create a bigger wound. I fought for so long and so hard that I became addicted to things just to drown out the pain from my past. I was only making it worse for myself.

Freedom starts with surrender. Healing a wound never feels good, but if you give the treated wound time to heal, eventually the pain will subside- meaning if you give God room to be God and get out of His way, the process will go smoothly.

You will be comforted through it all and emerge a better person. God loves you, and He will take perfect care of your heart. Trust Him.

Haunted Memories

They made me keep their secrets. I did such a great job that I even forgot myself. Even when I grew older those secrets still wouldn’t leave me alone.

I was just a child who survived one tragedy after another. I was clearly in shock, but I’ve come to realize that it’s not my fault that my mind closed it out. God allowed it for my protection.

My being needed time to process and sort through the loss of its innocence, and it did the best it could for a child of seven. However, until I remembered the cause of my shattered soul, my brown eyes would forever be tortured by a haunted past that even I couldn’t truly begin to understand.

In my fight for healing, I pushed everyone away and thought that they had all abandoned me. I couldn’t sum up all of the hours I sat sulking in my dark room. Once bits and pieces of that day came back with a vengeance, I’d force myself to forget because my mind wasn’t strong enough to deal with it.

I was still trying to process and give space to something that happened to me 20 years ago. My soul-crushing thoughts were a constant torment. I felt vulnerable, violated and bitter. I preferred to protect the deepest parts of my soul from being taken advantage of again. I don’t want to be hurt again… but we’re only human… it’s inevitable.

          What I needed was freedom from the haunting. I thought that was only possible through death, so I sought to kill myself in any way. God whispered to my soul and told me to LIVE!

          Once His words captured my soul in a breathtaking kiss, the floodgates opened up and years of heartache poured out with it. I was so lost in my own pain that I couldn’t see the pain I was causing my family and friends. The minute I acknowledged what happened and pulled up the root, I could begin the healing process.

          God’s kiss upon my soul gave me the courage I needed to face my abuse head on. The memories are still there, but the pain that usually surrounds it is slowly but surely disappearing. And all it took was a kiss upon my very soul…

         A kiss that healed my shattered soul…

A kiss that freed my bound mind…

         A kiss that mended my broken heart…

         A kiss that made me brand new…

Glory, Glory Hallelujah since I laid my burdens down…

Forbidden Kiss

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[Our Almighty God desires an intimate relationship with us. We often allow our earthly relationships and circumstances to overshadow the fact that the God who created the universe and everything in it loves us deeply. If we are not careful, we may begin to worship the blessing instead of the One Who blessed us.] – My devotional for this morning

Now with that being said, I’m just gonna dive right into it:

I was consumed with thoughts of him… of wanting to kiss him, and that had taken God’s place in my heart. I had quickly found myself wallowing in regret. He invaded my soul and I was addicted to him.

Oh, it was a beautiful night on that mountaintop overlooking the Hudson River. It’s a pity then, how that particular night would cause regret to consume my mind for years.

》》》》

To him, it was a simple request. To me however, it would be the fuel to keep the fire blazing in the night. I beat my flesh into submission that night, completely unsuspecting to him. His hand caressing my thigh made me cringe, and not in a bad way. It made me cringe, because I wanted to give in, but I wouldn’t allow myself to be defeated.

Had I given in to his PASSION, then I would’ve forfeited my PROMISE. I needed help. I need a way out, because I was falling and I was falling fast.

“Tune your ears to hear what your eyes cannot see.”

I was intoxicated (blinded) by his touch; it made it difficult to think when my eyes were drowning in his lust. He was acting on impulse, but I heard the hidden pain in his heart.

It hurt. When he called out my name… it hurt. When he looked at me with those beautiful ocean blue eyes, I fell hard. His pain was reflected off of the waters of his irises, and I struggled to stay afloat.

I almost succumbed to the darkness of the moment. I’ve never felt someone else’s emotional pain to that extend before. It rocked me to the core. It felt like I was under his spell, because after that night I couldn’t seem to let him go.

》》》》

Though we had gone our separate ways for a few years, he still inhabited my soul. It irritated me, because he only wanted me to fulfill his desires for sex. There was nothing meaningful there, if it was, it was abandoned that night on the mountaintop.

After sustaining and holding my ground, I had absolutely nothing to show for it. I actually got mad at God.

Did I keep my heart pure for nothing? Did I keep myself innocent for no reason? I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning brings me pain. (Psalms 73:13‭-‬14 NLT)

I started to question God. I got mad at the ocean for pulling me in and drowning me. I succumbed to the storm raging beneath the waves, and I became bitter.

It was just a kiss, right? What harm could come from that? What could possibly go wrong? I tried to trade logic for lust, but the answers weren’t adding up. They only left me bound.

He left me bound… the weight of his words crashed into me like fierce waves and my body ached. I wanted him to love me, but it was my body that he was after.

My heart cried out in pain. I wanted to love him. I could’ve loved him, but it would’ve never been enough… not for me and not for him. We were unequally yoked… unbalanced… He wanted my body and I wanted his heart.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. (Psalms 73:21‭-‬22 NLT)

I realize now that we became emotionally tied at the soul that night. I felt his spirit calling out to me. I tried… I tried to answer the call, but my words wouldn’t betray me. I tried to get him to notice my heart, but he was blinded by lust.

He hurt me more times than I care to remember, but I know it’s time to cut the cord. I can’t be who he wants me to be, and I’m only hurting myself by continuing to hold on… it will hurt, but I’m ready to move forward.

Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. (Psalms 73:25‭-‬26 NLT)

When we truly know and experience God’s love for us, we won’t be so desperate for anyone else’s love, attention, and adoration.

》》》》
This is goodbye…

Delivered: Because He Loves Me

Doubt that God has our best interest in mind is what led to the downfall of humanity.Doubt is a stronghold. Doubt is the key that unlocks the door for sin to have free reign. The people of this world are tainted by sin, because of a generational curse. Eve doubted God’s love for her, and Adam didn’t use his wisdom and knowledge of God’s faithfulness to stop her.

That’s makes me wonder what was going through Adam’s head. After all, sin always starts with a thought, followed by a decision. You always stumble first in your thought life. Adam was with God long before Eve came into the picture. Surely he had seen firsthand the wonders of God’s creativity and love for him, yet he failed to stick up for God. Did he somehow love Eve more than he loved God?

We have to be very careful not to let people take the place of God. If you follow after man, you will suffer with man. Maybe Adam possessed some hidden doubts himself. Maybe he allowed that imperfect love to blind him. Maybe he wanted to look good in front of his wife, which ultimately caused him to forfeit the Kingdom of God and be cast out into death.

Even in Adam and Eve’s disobedience, there was still beauty in the midst of chaos. God still allowed beauty to rise from the ashes of pain. His plan had not changed because of their behavior. God is the Alpha and the Omega; the Beginning and the End. He knew that men would fall, and He already had a Savior to reconcile them back to Him.

It was already done in the spiritual realm; it just needed to manifest in the physical.

Jesus is our deliverer. He has saved us from the hands of sin and death, and He has saved us from ourselves. We just need to activate His power and walk in it. But when doubt of God’s promise gets in the way, we fall. As Paul wrote, “For the good which I desire, I don’t do; but the evil which I don’t desire, that I practice” (Romans 7:19).

**

I had attended a women’s retreat this past April (2017). While I was there God gave me a deep release, inner healing and freedom. When I made up in my mind that it was all or nothing for God, He gave me the capacity to walk forward in my dreams and visions. When my mind said yes to God, my heart and my body followed suit. I literally had to forsake all in order to follow God.

Fear had held me back for so long, because I was afraid that I would fail God like I did all of those times in my past. I couldn’t move forward because I was scared of grieving God’s Spirit again, and that hurt me to know that I hurt Him. My heart’s desire is to please God, and I get discouraged and disappointed in myself when I fail.

God has been better to me than I’ve been to myself. His faithful love endures forever, and I wanted to be eternally faithful to Him. I wanted to show Him just how much I love Him and how much He means to me. I fell short, simply because I was trying to love him the way I was taught. That way was tainted.

I’m so thankful that He taught me how to love. He delivered me because He loves me.

Deliverance is available to you as well, because God loves you. Ask for it and believe. Don’t let the little foxes (of doubt) cause you miss your blessing, and don’t expect God to do everything for you. Once you’re delivered, it’s your responsibility to stay delivered. Remove yourself from anything and anyone who enables you.

We have God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. We have everything we need to live victorious free lives. So if you’re living a defeated bound life, check what you’re connected to.

*John 15:4-7 -Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!

An Open Letter to my Absent Father on Father’s Day

[I wasn’t going to post this, but I didn’t want to stop being transparent because my feelings were hurt. So here it is: the raw truth.]

Dear JJ,

Father: Hearing that word or seeing other people celebrate the holiday has always caused bittersweet feelings to resurface within me. You are my biological father; that’s the sweet part, but the reality of it is bitter. The mere word alone has always been foreign upon my lips, because you’ve been void in my heart.

I’ve yearned to be “Daddy’s Girl” growing up, but sadly that has never been my truth. I yearned to be treated like a Princess. You’ve always said that I was your “Baby girl” but you’ve treated me more like another chick in the street. I’m not your homegirl.

I’ve been yearning for that daddy-daughter experience my entire life, and when you finally gave me a taste of it, you took it away just as quickly when you got a new girlfriend. I’m used to playing second fiddle to your girlfriends/wives or your homeboys. Just know that you broke my heart way before any other guy had the chance to.

 

I struggled with accepting love from a guy, because you never taught me the respectable way on how I should be treated as a woman. The men I had chosen were emotionally unavailable, dysfunctional and broken… just like you. I was looking for you in them, but you only ever showed me your damaged parts.

 

As a young girl I mimicked you, even though you were absent from my life. It’s funny how that works. I didn’t know you, but I acted just like you. I jumped from relationship to relationship, because I was afraid to be alone… just like you. I was broken and I inherited it from you during your absence. So I guess, in a sense, I truly became a Daddy’s Girl.

 

“You are your father’s child.”

 

The streets raised you, and you taught me the code. I used anyone and didn’t care about hurting their feelings. It was all about me and what I could get out of it. Even when you were telling the truth, no one believed you… You were abused by the one who should’ve protected you, and unfortunately you abused me (emotionally) as well.

 

The lines were blurred. You fed me lies, and as a little girl I forced myself to believe in them. You never protected me; you never loved me. How could you have, when you don’t even love yourself?
When I tried to give God a chance, it was already too late. My heart had been closed off for so long. I made the worst mistake by thinking God was like you. I couldn’t trust Him, because I feared that He would abandon me like you. I was scared that He would find someone else and start a new life with them, ultimately forgetting about me.

 

I was hurting myself by continuing to allow you to “love” me with the worst parts of yourself. Towards the end, I felt used by you. You only initiated conversation when you wanted something. Your words never matched your actions: ever. You should know that I cried this past Father’s Day. It was my last time crying over you too.
**
It’s been a constant cycle of dry seasons. You never cultivated our relationship sincerely, so the harvest yielded no crops- no love, no gratitude. I see how you like the acknowledgments of being a father, but you don’t put forth the effort. Your mother acknowledged you this Father’s Day and said she was proud of you… I couldn’t agree with her though.

 

That’s why I didn’t give you credit. Why would I thank you 1 day when you’ve neglected me 365 days out of the year for 27 years? Why would I thank you publicly for something you haven’t even been doing behind the scenes?

I love you, but I no longer look to you to fill that position of being my Father. By blood, you are my father, but that’s where it ends. I simply can no longer acknowledge you as something you’ve never been. You’re always bringing up grandchildren, like you’ll actually put forth the effort to be in their lives when the time comes.

 

You ask me what I think about you having more children. I think you shouldn’t have any more kids until you heal from your past trauma, otherwise you’ll end up damaging them like you did to me. And I’m not telling you this so you can feel “bad” about how you and your side of the family basically rejected me and pushed me to the side.

 

No, I want you to know that I’ve finally healed from the pain you caused me. I have come to realize that I’ve been putting you in the place of God. Even if you came back into my life, it’s not like your presence could magically heal me from years of rejection. I’m wise enough to know that it doesn’t work like that.

 

Though it took me a while, I forgive you for not being in my life. I forgive you for not knowing how to love me. And I let you go, so that I can finally live my life without expecting anything from you.

I thank God for using you as an avenue to get me into this world.
As I look to God as my Abba Father in the spiritual aspect (because I’m a spirit being having a human experience), I am complete. I don’t need you to heal me or even love me with your broken pieces anymore. I am a new creation in Christ. He has loved me back to health, and I pray that you will allow Him to do the same for you.

I acknowledge that you couldn’t give me what you never had.

 

You showed me the only love you knew, which was broken love. I’ve taken your broken pieces and given it to God, so He could piece it back together. And though it may take a lifetime to get those clean whole pieces back, I’m learning to be patient through the process.

Where I was once hurt and angry towards you, God is using me to be a loving peacemaker instead. I no longer look to you as “What can you give me?”

 

My heart now says, “I’m going to show you love in spite of the dysfunctional love you’ve been used to.”

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S/n: Forgive your dad. You know who you are. Offense puts YOU fenced in from destiny, from being #inthevine.

 

Rejection

I remember it like it was yesterday. There I was among my classmates in Elementary school. We were all divided into groups and seated at the round tables. We were working on a little project for Thanksgiving- the kind where you could take home and have your parents hang your art work on the refrigerator.

I shifted uncomfortably in my little tiny red chair. Looking up I noticed the other students around me working diligently on their projects. The room was quiet as the teacher made her rounds, but there was panic going on in my head. There were too many kids in my space, and I couldn’t focus.

It felt as if the walls were closing in on me and little doe eyes (that were paying attention to their projects) were judging me. I wanted to escape and go to a place where I knew it wouldn’t be overcrowded.

Project time was over and story time had begun. I never did finish my project.

Standing up I abandoned my project in hopes of joining the others. I was about to sit down on the floor, but a female classmate of mine told on me when the teacher asked if everyone had finished their assignment. She pointed her finger at me and told the teacher that I didn’t finish. I could feel every eye in the room turn and look at me.

In that exact moment I felt like a puffer fish. My eyes widened and my heart began to beat rapidly. I was fighting an internal battle that I was sure to lose the longer everyone kept their attention on me. The teacher told me to sit back down and finish my project.

The rest of the class carried on without me. I sat back down in that little red chair at the table by myself. The project was forgotten once again as I watched the others seated together like a family, listening to the teacher read a story. As they listened intently I cried silently.

I was all alone. I felt abandoned. I felt rejected. If one were to walk in to the classroom they would see the separation. The scene before me told me that I wasn’t welcomed. The tears I cried told me that no one would come and dry them for me. No one would come and comfort me. I wasn’t worth their time.

All because of that wretched project I didn’t finish, I couldn’t join the others- even though I would’ve taken a seat in the far back had I finished on time. I wanted to be a part of the group, with the option of not being a part of the group (participating). Being excluded really damaged me, and that incident stuck with me for years.

My school experience had gone downhill from that point on. Children are very impressionable, and at that young age I sucked in all of the rejection. I spent the remainder of my school life feeling like I didn’t belong.

Crying in front of that elementary class and having no one comfort me forced me to suppress my emotions. My little mind told me “No one came when you cried, so don’t give them a reason to bypass you anymore. Don’t give them a reason to ignore your tears. Don’t show when you’re hurting, because no one will care… No one will come when you need them to.”

As a result of hiding within myself, rejection pushed itself out in the form of anger instead. I became a silent sufferer, and it damaged me further. It was like every emotion I suppressed was like a knife to my heart. Still I yearned for acceptance. I yearned for someone to love me. I needed someone to show me that they cared.

I never found it in that Elementary class. I never found it in school, especially not after that incident in the nurse’s office… It was the first time that I was taken advantage of by a man. I was only 7 years old, and he had to be 6 times my senior.

I suppressed that molestation, but when the truth came out no one came again. No one counseled me and helped me through it. No, I was just placed in the “special education” classes- thrown away with the rest of the kids they deemed flawed. They pitied me, and I knew it wasn’t love. I didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for me though.

So again feelings of worthlessness came in and made their home in my heart. I was bitter; I was a fighter, and it was during that time of abandonment that I became shattered. The school failed me and cast me to the side. Their actions told me that I was too flawed to be helped.

They didn’t think I was worth the time or the resources. They proved to me time and again that they didn’t care about me. They would never stop and take the time to ask me what was wrong, and then follow up with actions that showed they really cared about my well-being. I never received it in Elementary school, Middle school or High school.

I thought high school would be different, but it proved to be worse. I thought I had finally found a guidance counselor who cared. He brought me into his office and really took the time to listen to my heart. This wasn’t a one-time thing either. I felt like I had finally found someone who cared.

Fast forward to the time I got called into a meeting. I was setup. 3 of the female classmates I had problems with and their parents called me into a secret meeting all by myself. The girls, the parents, the Principal – who didn’t like me – and the guidance counselor – who I confided it many times – all ganged up on me.

I was all alone while these girls had their (military) parents, the principal and the guidance counselor in their corner. It was literally only me on one side of the table while they crowded around the other side. It brought me back to that lonely day in Elementary school; I took it all in and suppressed it.

I was so crushed when the school counselor lied on me just to gain right standing with the other parents. I tried to suppress it all, but it was all bursting open at the seams. The police officer had seen my emotional pain as my leg shook violently under the table. I tried to ride in out as I forced myself to calm down.

Here I was being lied on by authority- those who took an oath to protect the students- and it broke me.

Thankfully one of the secretaries’ called my parents and they came to stand in my corner. I also had the police officer on my side. After the meeting was over, he pulled me outside and encouraged me. I had found hope that someone in the system cared.

Through all of that God showed me to never put my trust in man for we are flawed. God has always proven His faithfulness in my life over and over again. When no one stood in my corner, He was already there. When no one dried my tears, He did. When no one showed me love, He did.

When I came to Jesus He took all of my shattered pieces and glued me back together with His love. He superseded my expectations and made me better than I was before. He took all of my suppressed emotions and cast them upon Himself, exchanging my ashes for His beauty and my pain for His comfort.

So if you’re in need of a comforter look no further than Jesus.

☆Matthew 5:4- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

☆2 Corinthians 1:3, 4- Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Friends

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Even though I loved to hate Melinda for a time period throughout our friendship, she has been there for me in my pivotal moments. She’s been my shoulder, and I couldn’t even let go of the grudges that I was holding against her. In spite of my evil ways towards her she still wanted to be my friend. I couldn’t understand why she wanted to be loyal to someone so damaged, such as myself. I didn’t deserve her friendship, not when I caused her harm and rejected her attempts of being loving.

But as the years progressed we grew closer. We knew each other since we were in diapers. She was at every birthday party, and we were joined at the hip.

Love without action is useless.

I couldn’t love her because I didn’t have love for myself. Her love and the love from my family were foreign to me, because I was broken since birth. The love that I knew was worldly and tainted. It was misguided and disconnected from the One true God who is love. The love that I acted upon was conditional and selfish.

It was heartbreaking that we were battling the same demons, but while I chose to disconnect myself she chose to draw close to me. However, I didn’t want to be bothered. Like the hermit crab I was, I hide in my shell- my comfortable place. I was too broken to take on her demons as well. No matter how much I wanted to save her from myself, I couldnt. The closer she got to me, the more I pushed her away by any means necessary.

Unfortunately she got in the way of my wrath one too many times. Every time I fought her, it hurt me. I felt every blow that I dealt to her. I loved her one day and the next day I would come to hate the sight of her. She hurt me, and I hurt her back 10x worse.

Years later I see that we could’ve helped each other to heal. If 2 of my friends were fighting I’d try and force them to make up or threaten them by saying “Make up with them or I won’t be your friend anymore.” I was trying to control them when what they really needed was to figure it out on their own.

I was blinded by my insecurities, and I lived them out. My heart was shattered from the rejection of my dad/his family, the sexual abuse I suffered behind closed doors, and the physical abuse from past boyfriends. The pain that I internalize kept pushing itself out in the form of rage. Hurt people hurt people, and I hurt a lot of people who cared for me.

I acknowledge that I was a terrible friend growing up. I lacked love, patience, grace and mercy. It was either my way or the highway. It was very selfish and controlling of me. My friends gave me love, but I couldn’t recognize it. My friends were loyal, but all I could see was where they fell short. They’d go to war for me, and I’d go to battle for them too, but it was conditional.

I just wanted to be understood. I didn’t want anyone’s pity. I didn’t want to be anyone’s charity case. I allowed my fears to hold me back from forming true loving connections. I’d leave them before they could leave me, because I feared being abandoned again.

We’re understood by God the moment we are born. He knows us intimately – He formed us and kept us, and knows us better than we know ourselves. Still, back then I couldn’t bring myself to believe in His love or my friends love.

It was hard for me to be vulnerable with people. They’d draw close and when they would invade my security I’d back away. While there are people who may be deceitful, God’s love is honest. I have learned that while time might not heal all wounds, God does. Though I have a hard time believing if other people’s love for me is sincere, I can always believe in God’s love. And His love helps me to love others in spite of their intentions.

So to all of my past friends (from Highland Falls) I am sorry! I apologize for hurting you and making you feel less-than. Your love held importance in my heart.

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Melinda: I’m sorry for hurting you the worst. Putting my hands on you was dead wrong. I can apologize to you over and over, but it will never be enough to truly show how apologetic I am in my heart. You were my first best friend, and I thank you for never leaving me.

Karen: I apologize for giving you the broken parts of me. I tried to love you in the way I knew how, but it was wrong. Thank you for still seeing me as your friend.

Janet: I apologize for hurting you through my controlling ways. Who was I to make you choose between being friends with someone or me? That was selfish of me, and I’m sorry. Thank you for remaining firm and true.
Kyle: I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you the best parts of me. Even if I knew back then what we confirmed years ago… It still wouldn’t have worked. I was too broken, and if you had stayed close I would’ve ended up hurting you too. Growing up, you never treated me differently and you always talked to me, even if you were mad about something. Thanks for being a joy in my life.
Matt Gibney: We’re 1st cousins, but you’re also my friend. Growing up I could’ve loved you better and been there for you more. With you being younger than me (by like 3 weeks lol), I wanted to shelter you and take care of you. I still do, but I know that in order for you to grow you’ll have to go through things for yourself. I didn’t want you to feel the sting of rejection from my side of the family. I wanted to show you that we (your aunt Trunda and her kids) were nothing like your father (I’m not knocking him down.. IJS). That’s not showing you pity; it’s showing you true love. Though we’re cousins, I wanted to be your best friend. Even now when I go to Highland Falls you’re the first person I want to see, but you be M.I.A lol. So just know that my family loves you!! But also forgive me for not doing more, and forgive me for hurting you.
-To anyone & everyone else I hurt (whether intentionally or unintentionally) I am sorry. I am a better me now, and your love and friendships were not in vain.