I shifted uncomfortably in my little tiny red chair. Looking up I noticed the other students around me working diligently on their projects. The room was quiet as the teacher made her rounds, but there was panic going on in my head. There were too many kids in my space, and I couldn’t focus.
It felt as if the walls were closing in on me and little doe eyes (that were paying attention to their projects) were judging me. I wanted to escape and go to a place where I knew it wouldn’t be overcrowded.
Project time was over and story time had begun. I never did finish my project.
Standing up I abandoned my project in hopes of joining the others. I was about to sit down on the floor, but a female classmate of mine told on me when the teacher asked if everyone had finished their assignment. She pointed her finger at me and told the teacher that I didn’t finish. I could feel every eye in the room turn and look at me.
In that exact moment I felt like a puffer fish. My eyes widened and my heart began to beat rapidly. I was fighting an internal battle that I was sure to lose the longer everyone kept their attention on me. The teacher told me to sit back down and finish my project.
The rest of the class carried on without me. I sat back down in that little red chair at the table by myself. The project was forgotten once again as I watched the others seated together like a family, listening to the teacher read a story. As they listened intently I cried silently.
I was all alone. I felt abandoned. I felt rejected. If one were to walk in to the classroom they would see the separation. The scene before me told me that I wasn’t welcomed. The tears I cried told me that no one would come and dry them for me. No one would come and comfort me. I wasn’t worth their time.
All because of that wretched project I didn’t finish, I couldn’t join the others- even though I would’ve taken a seat in the far back had I finished on time. I wanted to be a part of the group, with the option of not being a part of the group (participating). Being excluded really damaged me, and that incident stuck with me for years.
My school experience had gone downhill from that point on. Children are very impressionable, and at that young age I sucked in all of the rejection. I spent the remainder of my school life feeling like I didn’t belong.
Crying in front of that elementary class and having no one comfort me forced me to suppress my emotions. My little mind told me “No one came when you cried, so don’t give them a reason to bypass you anymore. Don’t give them a reason to ignore your tears. Don’t show when you’re hurting, because no one will care… No one will come when you need them to.”
As a result of hiding within myself, rejection pushed itself out in the form of anger instead. I became a silent sufferer, and it damaged me further. It was like every emotion I suppressed was like a knife to my heart. Still I yearned for acceptance. I yearned for someone to love me. I needed someone to show me that they cared.
I never found it in that Elementary class. I never found it in school, especially not after that incident in the nurse’s office… It was the first time that I was taken advantage of by a man. I was only 7 years old, and he had to be 6 times my senior.
I suppressed that molestation, but when the truth came out no one came again. No one counseled me and helped me through it. No, I was just placed in the “special education” classes- thrown away with the rest of the kids they deemed flawed. They pitied me, and I knew it wasn’t love. I didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for me though.
So again feelings of worthlessness came in and made their home in my heart. I was bitter; I was a fighter, and it was during that time of abandonment that I became shattered. The school failed me and cast me to the side. Their actions told me that I was too flawed to be helped.
They didn’t think I was worth the time or the resources. They proved to me time and again that they didn’t care about me. They would never stop and take the time to ask me what was wrong, and then follow up with actions that showed they really cared about my well-being. I never received it in Elementary school, Middle school or High school.
I thought high school would be different, but it proved to be worse. I thought I had finally found a guidance counselor who cared. He brought me into his office and really took the time to listen to my heart. This wasn’t a one-time thing either. I felt like I had finally found someone who cared.
Fast forward to the time I got called into a meeting. I was setup. 3 of the female classmates I had problems with and their parents called me into a secret meeting all by myself. The girls, the parents, the Principal – who didn’t like me – and the guidance counselor – who I confided it many times – all ganged up on me.
I was all alone while these girls had their (military) parents, the principal and the guidance counselor in their corner. It was literally only me on one side of the table while they crowded around the other side. It brought me back to that lonely day in Elementary school; I took it all in and suppressed it.
I was so crushed when the school counselor lied on me just to gain right standing with the other parents. I tried to suppress it all, but it was all bursting open at the seams. The police officer had seen my emotional pain as my leg shook violently under the table. I tried to ride in out as I forced myself to calm down.
Here I was being lied on by authority- those who took an oath to protect the students- and it broke me.
Thankfully one of the secretaries’ called my parents and they came to stand in my corner. I also had the police officer on my side. After the meeting was over, he pulled me outside and encouraged me. I had found hope that someone in the system cared.
Through all of that God showed me to never put my trust in man for we are flawed. God has always proven His faithfulness in my life over and over again. When no one stood in my corner, He was already there. When no one dried my tears, He did. When no one showed me love, He did.
When I came to Jesus He took all of my shattered pieces and glued me back together with His love. He superseded my expectations and made me better than I was before. He took all of my suppressed emotions and cast them upon Himself, exchanging my ashes for His beauty and my pain for His comfort.
So if you’re in need of a comforter look no further than Jesus.
☆Matthew 5:4- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
☆2 Corinthians 1:3, 4- Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
♡Broken2Redeemed♡ 